Curry Nazi No More – 16 Answers to Jackie M’s FAQs

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As a perennially sleep-deprived and exhausted business owner, I’ll admit to occasionally getting a little (alright, a lot) caustic when dealing with customer questions.

So on my one day off I figure it’s time to repair my Curry Nazi image and put together a list of FAQs and comments I’ve encountered at my many events and answer them minus my usual snark.

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Do you do Pad Thai?
No, but I do a kickass Pad Malaysian. I like to call it Char Kway Teow (CKT) but that’s just me. You can ask for a Pad Thai and still get a CKT, but that will be a dollar extra. The dollar goes towards the court-ordered anger management classes I’ll be required to take when I finally snap and hit the next person on the head with my wok shovel.

Is your beef rendang a red curry or a green curry?
Sadly, we Malaysians are not quite as creative as our friendly Thai neighbours when it comes to colour-coding our curries. It may have something to do with the fact that Malaysian curries come in varying shades of brown. If it’s any help though, I’ve given deep thought to this and have come up with my own colour-coding system.

So here is my handy guide to ordering my curries next time you visit –
Dhal & Vegetable Curry – light brown | Chicken Curry – medium brown |Beef Rendang – dark brown |Lamb Curry – brown brown

I’ve travelled to Bangkok for 30 years, I know my Malaysian food.
I can only assume your travels there are for academic research purposes, and I hate to be the one to break it to you – but Bangkok is not in Malaysia. And those go-go dancers at the bars you frequent for your academic thesis? Not Malaysian. So sorry, dude, I really am.

My best mate’s married to a Thai lady.
Good for him.

My sister-in-law is Thai.
Good for her.

Asian women make the best wives. They’re so caring and attentive.
Huh? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.

What does your Nasi Lemak come with?
Well, according to the menu that’s six inches in front of you, it comes with coconut-flavoured rice, cucumber pieces, a mixed vegetable pickle (acar), fried anchovies, sambal and boiled egg. So if I were to hazard a guess, I would say it comes with coconut-flavoured rice, cucumber pieces, a mixed vegetable pickle (acar), fried anchovies, sambal and boiled egg.

Do you do Fried Rice?
Funny you should ask and I can see how the non-existence of a Fried Rice menu at my stall would cause confusion.  Sadly no, I don’t in fact do fried rice, but I have resolved to clear this confusion by printing menus of things I DON’T do, so people can be perfectly clear about what’s NOT on offer.

Do you do Spring Rolls?
Nope, no spring rolls either – another Malaysian classic that begs to be added to my Things I Don’t Do menu.

Do you do Nazi Goreng? (http://dictionary.bhanot.net/csvsearch.pl?field1=goreng)
Come on, now – World War 2 was 70 years ago and the Germans have come a long way; no need to hang on to the past.

I know your menu says the Otak is $4.50 each, but I count 4 of them in the picture. So how many do I actually get?
I can see how the word “Each” is cause for confusion, and I blame my photographer for taking pictures that have more than one unit of any item in them. Artistic licence is so overrated, I agree.

(In response to whether they want their food served on a plate or in a takeaway container) – Which is better, plate or container?
Don’t let the “Are you kidding me?” look on my face put you off – it’s unintentional and shows how stumped I often am at the depth of the questions I’m faced with. I would suggest in reply, much like the Blue Pill vs Red Pill dilemma faced by Neo – do you see yourself as a plate person, or a takeaway container person? Go with the plate if you like plates, and with a takeaway box if you like containers. A really, really tough call and I sympathise.

Which is better – seafood CKT or chicken CKT?
Same as above but replace plates/takeaway containers with seafood/chicken – sorted!

Is it good? / Is it any good?
Don’t let my sarcastic rant about quitting my high-paying career to cook inedible crap for the unsuspecting public, followed by threats to poke your eyes out, throw you off. It’s just my over-tired brain trying to come to grips with the existential intellectualism displayed in your question – Are we talking about good as in Good vs Evil? Philosophy has never been my forte – it’s not you, it’s me.

What’s good, and don’t insult my intelligence by saying “Everything”?
Haha, you got me there, Captain Mensa! I WAS just about to deadpan “Everything” until you stopped me in my tracks. Let me FLATTER your intelligence in that case – Nothing is good; everything is crap, that’s why I quit my high-paying career – just so I can spend long, unforgiving hours in the kitchen to serve you CRAP! Now where are my chopsticks so I can poke your eyes out?

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Well, there you have it – next time I snap at you when you ask me a question, do reflect on this post and be comforted by the fact that after a full 8 hours’ sleep, I AM capable of imbuing my responses with patience, warmth and grace. You’re welcome!

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